Monotony versus Messy



Besides the fact that I do have alarmingly-high potential levels on Bipolarity, is it scientifically possible to feel very happy and very worn-out at the same time?

I asked myself this question one Monday while I was having late lunch by myself on nearly-empty diner. Truth be told: I have a freakshow relationship with monotony that I find it excruciatingly hard to swing between one emotion to the next. How do I love and hate thee? Let me count the ways. I like round-the-clock security, my comfortable patterns, healthy habits, strongly-structured optimism, consistency with life in general; the firmness. But I hate monotony for a couple of reasons too: the addiction, the tyranny, the can’t-live-withouts, the dependency bordering on parasitism, the tiredness, the sudden desire to breakaway from the steel permanence of things. Hence, this failed attempt at articulating my bi-monthly existentialism through a song set without a theme.

This playlist is a mumble-jumble of epiphanies that kept my mind safely at bay for the last couple of Mondays, midnights and mornings. Themeless as it is, they run from feel-good happy to soul-haunting sad. From one song to another, I could almost hear a whispered answer to my dilemma: Yes, we humans are such messy creatures when it comes to feelings. And I just woke up one day, grinning at myself, realizing—messy, the alter-ego of our monotony, makes us beautiful, too. 

10. Hurting me now, Sia

You, you say I sing too loud
I want you to be proud
I want you screaming out, ‘that girl is mine
I love her, I love her’
But you’ve already tuned me out
You, you know these words you say
Are causing an ounce decay
You feel like I’m withdrawing
I am running away
You’re pushing, you’re pushing me

09. Crying Lightning, Arctic Monkeys

The next time that I caught my own reflection
it was on its way to meet you
Thinking of excuses to postpone.
You never looked like yourself from the side

but your profile could not hide
The fact you knew I was approaching your throne.

With folded arms you occupied the bench like a toothache,
Stood and puffed your chest out like you’d never lost a war.
Although I tried so not to suffer the indignity of a reaction
There was no cracks to grasp or gaps to claw.

08. You were a Kindness, The National

You were a kindness when I was a stranger
But I wouldn’t ask for what I didn’t need
Everything’s weird and we’re always in danger
Why would you shatter somebody like me

It doesn’t work that way
Wanting not to want you won’t make it so
It doesn’t work that way
Don’t leave me here alone

I’ll do what I can to be a confident wreck
Can’t feel this way forever I mean
There wasn’t anyway for anyone to settle in
You made a slow disaster out of me

07. You’re not stubborn, Two Door Cinema Club

Don’t take your time, make up your mind
Though it won’t change the world, you’ll be more inclined
To have a point of view, that makes it through
And keeps you travelling, keeps you travelling
So pick your friends, forget the rest
You can’t live life being second best
The critics talk of stubbornness
But you’re just passionate, you’re just passionate

So if I’m wrong again, I apologise
You can take your guest, I’ll take out my eyes
It’s a common thing, to be out of line
But it’s getting old, by the fifteenth time

06. Apple Juice, The Walkie-Talkies

Dialing your digits
I’m fidgeting in my seat
Seatbelt’s fastened
Hasten a bit
Call me old fashioned
But I’m looking for something
Sweeter than apple juice
Are you sweeter than
Are you sweeter than
Could you get any sweeter
Any sweeter than you?

05. The Courage of Others, Midlake

I will never have the courage of others
I will not approach you at all
I was always taught to worry about things
All the many things you can’t control

How can they have the courage
Of lords that have long since past
It’s in their hands, it’s in their heads
It’s been in their blood for many years
It brings them sorrow
In a dark room he trembles alone
he trembles alone

04. I believed, The Rumours

I remember that day well
Just don’t ask and I won’t tell
On that pedestal from which you fell from grace
Made me feel so unsure
Of a love I thought so pure
The sickness that you carry
Has no cure

I believed you every time
Then watched you do the crime
Again and again
Yes I believed you every time
Then watched you do the crime

Again and again

03. You love me anyway, Sidewalk Prophets

I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway
See now, I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then, I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life

02. My Slumbering Heart, Rilo Kiley

And I’ve become just like a chemical stress
Tracing the lines of my face for
Something more beautiful than is there
I’ve barely been gone
and I’m not a failure
I swear
I wish you could see it from over there
I’ve got a lot over here without you
I’ve barely been gone

01. Put your record on, Corrine Bailey Rae

Blue as the sky, sunburnt and lonely,
Sipping tea in the bar by the roadside,
(just relax, just relax)
Don’t you let those other boys fool you,
Got to love that afro hairdo.

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it’s alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.
Don’t you think it’s strange?

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You’re gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.


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